im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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