Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Randomize
