I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
So. Much. Porn.
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