filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
