Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
