I just pynch a tree in the face
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
