another moral hangover. fuck.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
