Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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