I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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