Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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