This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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