While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
