our cab driver is having phone sex.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
