sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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