She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
