My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
