i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
