Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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