Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
