If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
