My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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