I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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