the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
