I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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