I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
