dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
