ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Randomize
