drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Randomize
