i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
