I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
