i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
