The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize