no, he came in my armpit
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
