phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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