Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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