If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I just found a bag of teeth...
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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