I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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