Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
