Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
