Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
He? As in you personified your dick?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize