Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
He shit in the fireplace
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
