I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
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