she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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