A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
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