I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize