The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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