umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
