$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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