So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
