this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Every concussion has its silver lining
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
