im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
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