then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
