when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
