Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Randomize
