Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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