I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
