I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Terrible idea I love it
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
