ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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