Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Found the puke drawer
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
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