There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
