I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
It's never too late to be topless.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
