Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
