My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Randomize
