I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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