My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
