just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
