Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Randomize
