im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
