Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
