How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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